We’ve all been there. We’ve all done something we are not proud of. Some maybe more than others (self). I’ve made so many mistakes in my life, some of them have been mistakes, some of them have been deliberate. But my repentance has not been for nothing. It hasn’t been for society.It hasn’t been to repel the eyes of my peers or family. It has been for me, my soul, my self. To pull me out of the dark hole I’ve often found myself stumbling into. It’s to escape the devastating feeling of darkness, hopelessness, and immense guilt.
Guilt has been my guide and sometimes the reason for my fall. Some may not understand that but many a times it has been hard for me to say “no” or to be heard saying “no”. Through my tears, through my shaken voice, through my sheepish smile, through my unemotional response. “No” has been my challenge, my nemesis. The formidable rival who often won the battles I faced. I couldn’t use the word as strongly as I wished. And often, others I went up against, used it with such a strong pronounced voice that mine would sound like a whisper, a prayer.
“No” coupled with my own guilt of not being able to explain my hesitancy would take me down. I’d keep spiraling down the rabbit hole till I’d feel so lost that I would completely give in. Feeling worthless, feeling scared, feeling the lack of dignity around me, it would often leave me feeling disgusted, depressed, diseased. When I could no longer take it; I’d reach out. I would cry out to Lord to pull me out and He would. He would often make me face the uncomfortable consequences of my deeds but I would know it’s Him. It would be His hand pulling me into the light. My sins would feel heavy but small in front of His mercy. I’d feel ashamed but also see the reverence in it.
Repentance often does that. It brings a sense of calm to the turmoil. It brings humility to the disgrace. It brings peace to the hell you’ve visited, to the battle you’ve fought. Repentance forces you to show yourself naked, baring all your scars, your ugliness, your heaviness to your Maker. But the minute He comforts you, you realize that your repentance was not for nothing. He hides your sins, He makes you feel light, He honors your soul by getting closer to you. SubhanAllah. For Allah (SWT) says
“Whoever draws close to Me by the length of a hand, I will draw close to him by the length of an arm. Whoever draws close to Me the by length of an arm, I will draw close to him by the length of a fathom. Whoever comes to Me walking, I will come to him running. Whoever meets Me with enough sins to fill the earth, not associating any partners with Me, I will meet him with as much forgiveness.”